The 11 MLB postseason players best suited to conquering a bear
LOS ANGELES -- There's no good way to test this. Human beings should not attempt to fight bears, both because the bears will typically win and, perhaps more importantly, because it would threaten our tenuous detente with the bear world. In 1915, a brown bear in Japan developed the taste for human blood and spent a week terrorizing the settlement of Sankebetsu, killing seven people before a team of hunters finally tracked it down. But for the most part, bears seem content to leave us alone, eating plants and fish and taking long naps and doing other bear stuff safe from human interaction due to the cushion they've earned with their physical dominance.
So no one's saying any of the following 11 MLB postseason players should try to fight a bear unprovoked. These are just the 11 MLB postseason players this author feels best-suited to conquering a bear in a one-on-one fight -- a longshot, no doubt! -- in whatever terrifying circumstances called for it. And I'm not talking about grizzly bears or polar bears, here. C'mon, that's ridiculous. For the purposes of this discussion, assume the 11 MLB postseason players here listed would be attempting to defeat a standard, medium-sized black bear.
11. Aaron Judge
Judge's massive stature and incredible athleticism earn him a spot on the list, but he falls outside the Top 10 here because it's not entirely clear that sheer physical size is an advantage in a showdown with a bear. He's strong enough that one clean hit might stun his opponent, but there's a lot of swing-and-miss in Judge's game and you don't really want to give a bear too many chances to beat you.
10. Jose Altuve
Jose Altuve (AP Photo/David J. Phillip)
I hear what you're saying: "Jose Altuve, but he's the smallest baseball dude! He'd never do it!" Guess what? That's what everyone said about Jose Altuve throughout his minor-league career and into the early part of his big-league tenure, and Altuve just keeps proving the doubters wrong. That might be a tougher challenge against the superior strength of a bear, but Altuve is a cunning ballplayer with great speed and a shocking amount of power.
9. John Lackey
"Old-time sheriff John Lackey, I reckon there's a bear down by the schoolhouse and he's cornered some little 'uns."
"Which little 'uns?" he answered wryly, reaching for his old-time sheriff badge. "I'll handle this."
8. Chris Taylor
Chris Taylor (Kelley L Cox/USA TODAY Sports)
Chris Taylor seems like the kind of guy who knows karate. Does Chris Taylor know karate? I have no idea. But assuming he does, it might help him subdue the bear.
7. CC Sabathia
Not only is Sabathia a giant man, but arguably no one in baseball better embodies the concept of "dad strength." By learning to succeed with diminished fastball velocity in his late 30s, the 300-pound Sabathia demonstrated the type of adaptability necessary to succeed in a clash with a bear.
6. Chase Utley
Chase Utley (AP Photo/Rick Scuteri)
Another dad-strength guy, Utley makes this list because you know he would absolutely do whatever's necessary to triumph over the bear. His reputation for hard, borderline dirty play may not earn him many friends on opposing baseball teams, but it suggests he'll stop at nothing in a bear fight. Heck yeah, Chase Utley's going to bite the bear if that's what it takes.
5. Chris Devenski
You'll probably see a lot of this guy for as long as the Astros stick around in October, and whenever he's out there locking down late innings for Houston, consider all the ways Devenski seems apt to thwart bears. He pitches with a smoldering intensity and seems to fear no challenge, though none of the challenges he has faced in two big-league seasons have included fighting bears.
4. Brett Gardner
Baseball managers will sometimes praise gritty players by saying, "this guy would run through a brick wall for you," and Gardner always seems like the kind of guy who's just looking for a brick wall to run through, like, "show me the wall, bro." Then, with a relentlessness that bodes well for a battle with a bear, he'd throw his body at the wall repeatedly until it finally gave way. Joe Girardi calls him "Gardy," which is a terribly boring nickname -- why not at least "Gard-dog?" -- but Gardner's been an extremely underrated player over his career despite playing for the Yankees. Did you know that, since 2010, Gardner has collected more WAR than the likes of Justin Upton, Adrian Gonzalez and Nelson Cruz? Good job, Brett Gardner. Best of luck with the bear.
3. Pedro Baez
Humans are not the biggest or strongest members of the animal kingdom, but we do boast perhaps the best endurance. Baez, an agonizingly slow worker on the mound, has the capacity to outlast the bear simply by operating at his normal pace. At the very least, he could bore the bear into submission then defeat it once it settles down for a bear-nap.
2. Evan Gattis
An exceptionally strong man with a fascinating backstory and an ursine nickname, Gattis -- "El Oso Blanco" -- is almost certainly the Major League player most likely to have already fought a bear and won at some point in his life.
1. Jake Arrieta
Is Arrieta the best pitcher remaining in the postseason? No. Is he the biggest guy? No. Strongest? Probably not. Fastest? He's not that either. But he's undoubtedly big and strong and fast, and everything about his physique and demeanor just screams "guy who could take down a bear." Jake Arrieta's obvious and transparent ability to vanquish bears when necessary inspired this whole list. If a bear is coming for you and you can only pick one MLB postseason player to defend you, definitely choose Jake Arrieta.
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